Your Power Over Me
by FallenLily
Summary: It is the end of Sixth Year, and James questions the basis of his love for Lily. What does he know about her? Is it really only an infatuation? Thus Seventh Year begins in doubt. James and Lily are on a path of self-discovery...and of each other.


Note: **rated M** for future chapters.

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**Your Power Over Me**

Chapter 1: Question

"_James..._" Lily whispered, so quietly that he barely heard it – and yet he did, so numbingly clearly, because her voice, her face, her entire _self_ was all that he was aware of at that very moment. Her eyes were more alluring than ever, wide open, gazing up into his face with an innocence that locked his eyes to her.

They were so close, their lips separated by mere inches of space, and he could already feel the warmth emanating from her.

And yet, they did not _touch._

Maintaining their gaze, they reached for each others hands, slowly...

_WHAM!_

James Potter snapped out of his reverie as his hard-covered 400 page _Trials of Transfiguration for Sixth Years_ textbook slipped from his hands and rammed into his foot, hard-covered corner first.

"OW!" he yelped, hunching forwards in pain. Sirius Black lifted his eyes from his own copy of the textbook to survey what had happened and, once seeing that there was no real harm, he returned to it.

They, and their fellow sixth-years, were cramming in the last bit of knowledge before their end of Transfiguration exam.

"Bloodystupid...,"James mumbled to himself as he rubbed his foot, which was already beginning to throb. He glanced up, in the direction of a particular girl whose position (by the table in the Common Room) he'd been aware of since the past few hours, hoping she hadn't seen that particularly embarrassing moment.

Actually, her startling emerald-green eyes were looking directly at him.

James froze. His stomach seemed to swoop, as though he'd plunged towards the ground at a million miles per hour on his broomstick, and his heart beat rapidly and he could feel his face getting warmer.

But he just couldn't look away.

Her eyebrows crinkled slightly, as though she was trying to figure something out, and then she looked away, back to her own copy of Trials of Transfiguration.

James Potter let out the breath, and the foot, he hadn't realised he'd been holding. Now he looked away, hoping no one else had noticed that "moment."

"I swear..." Sirius Black muttered under his breath, from beside him.

Immediately James's head spun to look at him. "What?" he demanded defensively. Sirius's teeth were clenched, although his eyes were moving as they read his textbook.

"You already know what I think about it."

James didn't reply. A feeling of desolation seemed to fill him now. Yes, he did know what Sirius thought about his "crush" on Lily Evans, and he'd repeated it throughout the latter half of their sixth year.

At his silence, Sirius paused and looked up at him again. "Come on, Prongs." His grey eyes were gentler.

"I can't..." James spoke quietly. "I can't just tell myself to get over her, and wake up the next day to move on. I've never - "

" - felt this way about any other girl," Sirius finished. "I know."

James fell silent again. "I don't understand it," Sirius spoke again, setting aside his book on the coffee table. "How can you feel this way about her? You barely know her at all. You've never had a proper conversation with her, at least one that hasn't ended with her hexing you because of your latest pigheaded comment."

"I know," James forced out, as he stretched his legs out on the coffee table. But secretly, ridiculously, he felt like he _did _know what kind of a person she was. She was intelligent, beautiful, and had this way of making people feel as though they were appreciated._ Too bad Lily didn't have much patience with himself... _But he'd been working on that. Such as making a conscious effort to avoid his bad habits. She just...seemed to make him nervous around her, and that resulted in him saying or doing things he didn't mean to. She just had to notice him, or take him seriously enough!

"What I'm saying is...she always seems to be repelled by us. You tried hard this year to change - "

"But she still caught us inflating Aubrey's head...so maybe we didn't try all that hard..."

"Precisely."

James raised an eyebrow, cocking his head. "What point are you trying to make, exactly...?"

Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw the redhead stand up from her table, sliding her chair back.

"You need to get over her. It's no good for you."

"_Wha _- " James was momentarily distracted. "No way!"

"Listen to me! And Moony and Wormtail! Three years pining after the same girl is _enough_. Especially someone you don't even really know - "

James kicked out at Sirius's leg, warning him to shut it as Lily entered within hearing range.

"Hey, Evans," said James immediately, casually, as he spotted her approaching them. He expected her to breeze past towards the stairs to the Girl's dormitories.

"Potter,"she acknowledged instead, stopping before them.

His heart skipped a beat. His hands gripped his textbook harder.

"Yes?" Thankfully, he managed to stop his hand from springing up to his hair – he knew just how much it irritated her.

"I feel as though I need to talk to you."

Discreetly, Sirius stood up with his textbook, stretching lazily (attracting the eyes of several girls in the vicinity), and then he walked away towards Moony and Wormtail, at the opposite side of the room. Lily walked around to the front of the sofa.

James did his best to look casual, rather than bewildered. Yeah, Lily Evans often came to him saying that she _needed_ to talk to him... "What about?"

Strangely enough, it seemed as though Lily was... embarrassed. She glanced down at the space beside him, which was where Sirius had been moments before, and sat down. She stared straight ahead of her, as though she was considering something in her mind and trying to make herself look back at him.

"Are you alright?" James asked, genuinely concerned, after a few unbearable moments.

"Potter," she said turning to look at him. Concern was evident in her green eyes. In fact, he'd _never _seen such an emotion from her displayed towards him. "Are you OK?"

His eyebrows rose higher and higher. All restraint of bewilder was abandoned.

"Actually, what a stupid question... I'm asking about your parents," and her voice became slightly awkward. "I was at St Mungo's last last week, you know, because Marly was there...And I kind of...well...I saw your parents there."

A different feeling washed over him now. Lily curiously noted how his face seemed to close up, the seemingly permanent mischievous spark in his eyes suddenly vanished, his narrowed slightly, and for a moment, she wondered if he was going to tell her that it was none of his business. She had been expecting that response, anyway.

"Yeah, they're alright," James suddenly grinned, his face just as suddenly maintaining its previous warmth. But the spark was absent. "They usually come in about once a month for treatments, because, you know, with age...it happens. Nothing big." He shrugged nonchalantly.

Lily didn't say anything, but watched his face intently. If James did not want to admit that the treatments were for a very detrimental disease...then she wouldn't bring it up. She had clearly seen the department they had entered at the hospital when she'd walked past them, and how frail they'd seemed. She remembered how they had looked, the last time she'd seen them, in her Third Year at King's Cross Station. They had to be suffering tremendously...

"Honestly Evans, look at your face!" James laughed. "I thought you came over here to ask me out or something," James heard himself speak. His heart skipped a beat in horror. _Dammit.._.He'd sworn to himself _never_ to ask that from Lily, because whenever he did, she seemed to move away further and further away from him.

He looked at her, saw her narrowed eyes, and panicking, he was about to apologise when she stood up.

"I mean, you looked like you were going to die or something," he heard himself babble. "Who knew asking me out could give you so much pain, ha, ha...!" _Shut UP, James Potte_r, he heard a voice at the back of his mind yell. He wanted to cover his eyes and groan.

"Potter," Lily spoke, as though she was restraining herself from losing her mind. She crossed her arms, and seemed to survey him for a moment before she spoke again. But suddenly, her eyes became gentler, softer. "I'm sorry for how I've treated you the past few years. I feel terrible. But I want to change it. I want us to put it behind us. It's things like these that remind me that every moment each of us have is precious...so I want to stop this – this - _ridiculous_ antagonism, if you're ready to. And it's ok to feel worried," she said, quietly, referring to his parents.

James was stunned. He didn't know what to think of that.

He took a moment to comprehend what she'd just said. Shouldn't this be the part where he ought to leap up in victory?

Lily _Evans _was asking to start over, after all this time of him requesting that from _her._

Sure, she wasn't asking him out...but nevertheless it was a gigantic step forward in their non-existent relationship. And amazingly enough, she had also looked past his "go out with me" comment to realise what was really bothering him.

But a different thought occurred to him now.

Slowly, he swung his legs off the coffee table and stood up himself, coming to stand nearly a foot taller than her, all the while keeping his eyes on her. Lily seemed to blush slightly at the intensity of his gaze, but she didn't break his stare and kept her position determinedly.

"Are you feeling sorry for me?"

His voice was volumes lower, and unexpectedly void of warmth. Lily's eyes also widened slightly as she realised it. "No...I, I mean, I can't understand what you're going through, but I know that...I..." She paused here, trying to get her thoughts in order. What was she _saying_?

"Basically, what you're saying is that you probably wouldn't -" he paused, he'd been about to say "care about me", but that had sounded rather dramatic in his mind, so he altered it, "- want to start over if I wasn't going through something difficult? What, do you think that redeems myself in your eyes or something?"

Lily's jaw slackened slightly, her eyes becoming wider still. "_No_," Lily insisted. Her heart was beating faster. Was he right...? In a way, he was...she _did _feel sorry for him. And those feelings had only occurred after she realised he had to be going through a hard time because of his parent's illness. And she also knew that she _did_ feel horribly guilty."What I'm saying is that I regret how I've treated you - "

"Because my parents are dying?" James cut across. His eyes were boring into hers.

"James, please don't do this," she heard herself say, worriedly. "I think you should talk about them with someone - "

"No, I don't need to!" he interjected again. "I've got Sirius, Remus and Peter to talk to, and I'm fine. I think I'd rather you don't talk to me about them again, Evans. And also, we're really much better off keeping things the way they already are. Let's face it, it's not going to change."

James waited for a second, expecting regret to wash over him. But it didn't come. Instead he found only an inexplicable sense of anger within him.

Lily looked stunned.

"Alright," said Lily, finally, a little quietly. She nodded to herself, for a few moments as though she was deliberating what to do next. "I'm sorry," she said again, glancing up at him momentarily. "Have a good summer. Take care of yourself." And with that, she turned away and walked back to her place on the table, to continue studying.

Several hours later, James was still relaying the conversation in his mind as he lay awake on his bed while the others were sound asleep.

_I shouldn't have snapped at her_, he thought, for the umpteenth time. _She was only trying to be nice because she knew that I was going through a hard time. _

_Then why did I lose it? _

He turned to his side on the bed.

Now when he thought of Lily, he didn't quite feel the same way. It was a strange feeling...one of a mixture of different emotions, but one mainly of emptiness. _Sirius was right_, he realised, as he gazed up at the ceiling. He finally realised what was so fundamentally flawed. What he had never seen before.

He and Lily...it was almost the end of their Sixth year....but they didn't really know _anything _about each other.

First year had started off with both getting on each other's nerves. Well, he had gotten on her's and Snape's nerves, and her seemingly stuck-up manners served to get on his.

Second year had been much the same.

By the time it was Third year, in one occassion they were nearly in tears of fury when they'd been paired together for a potions assignment (Lily was sure that James was going to ruin her chance for a perfect grade that year, and James because he couldn't bear to work with a person who studied hard nearly each day AND didn't have his sense of humour)

By Fourth year...after a particular verbal fight, which had involved her standing up to someone she accused him of bullying, she had caught his attention by placing a curse on him, one that he hadn't been able to remove. Had her hair always been that beautiful dark red shade? Why did her eyes seem to make him feel uncomfortable, as though she could see right through him and read his mind? And more importantly, make his heart beat faster, and _not_ out of anger?

And by Fifth Year, those feelings were taking control of him. Lily was in his dreams. She was in his _day-dreams_. She was _beautiful_. He couldn't help sneaking glances at her whenever he could. Trying to impress her by doing nearly impossible maneouvers during Quidditch matches. Throwing snide, clever remarks at the Slytherins. Occassionally flirting with her, but doing it in a rather insulting way because he refused to let her think that he fancied her. And he had made a new discovery - he thought he looked good with his hair messy. And he finally asked her out - and she insulted _and_ rejected him, in front of the entire school and Snape. She made him feel very, very small and insignificant.

By the start of Sixth year, he realised that none of it was working. That simply wasn't what Lily wanted. She really did despise him. Well, then, he would try to change. He tried to match her Potion skills. He made an effort to reign in his contempt for the Slytherins - and after several months of trying, he found that he _was_ capable of _not_ reacting on his first impulse. Occasionally, it was Snape who was just asking for it, and then he had a reason to fight back. He honestly tried to reduce the number of pranks he did with the other Marauders. He did not insult Lily, tried to avoid fights with her. In fact, he made an effort to be more mature around her - she didn't yet know that his feelings for her_ were_ serious, that he had really meant it when he'd asked her out after their Defence Against the Dark Arts OWL exam, but he did not want to feel vulnerable to her.

But now, as James turned to his other side on the bed, restlessley, he knew that he finally realised. He understood that she didn't understand him. He simply could not talk about his parents with her. It felt like relaying something far too personal to a stranger.

And that fact only left bitterness within him.

Lily wasn't a stranger! She was the girl he wanted to go out with, for crying out loud. He _wanted _to trust her, he _wanted _to let his heart out to Lily, he _wanted _her to be a friend, he _wanted_ her to care for him as much as he cared about her, he _wanted _her to realise what kind of person he really was, he _wanted_ - !

His fist pummelled into his pillow, once, unconsciously. _Want, want, want, want.._._What right did he have to want. _His hand unclenched, slowly.

What right did he have to insist that he was in love with her?

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A/N: Thank you for reading this chapter. Please leave a review if you enjoyed it, or if you want to see more. Reviews will help me decide whether to continue this story or not. I would appreciate any criticism/comments, if you want to add any too. :)


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